11 Years of Learning Life - Year 3

 Now for 2016, it was a good year but I had my major setback, As for love, I missed the year it’s supposed to be on 2017. On 2016, I had a new colleague. Everyone always compares me to her, all the people at school said we are so alike. But one thing that is different between me and her is that, she is such an independent woman and also driven and straight minded. Straight minded in the sense where she is free, untethered and also have her own passion and she is not shy to show it off. I was so jealous of her. I didn’t know I was jealous of her up until today. 

I realise it while I was recalling that year. On 2016, this is where I start to have some setback for my masters. It’s thesis time as the classes portion are over during the 2015 and i struggle to find an idea for my thesis in my master. My supervisor and I have a differ in thinking on where do I want to go through in terms of my writing. As she read my drafts, I know it’s not up to her par on what she wants in academic writing. This is why I am reluctant to write my thesis and I dragged it all around for 5 to 6 months. 

Meanwhile, what I did is that I ran away and avoid to face my first failure in life. I was focusing all my energy to work. I was focusing solely on teaching, and doing events in my school, giving ideas and doing projects and doing my best in the projects which in the end made most of my colleagues in the department jealous of me. There was this one teacher Ms J. She is not fond that I received more recognition and has more shine than her while I was still new in the school. So, she isolate me in the department. I didn’t put it into mind because I also have my clique while I was in school and I feel okay and still surviving. 

This is where I start to learn about human nature. I learn it the hard way to know that my colleagues are not my real friends like how it is in the university. This year is the first year I start to learn about politics, drama, and also gossips and people betray and backstabs in the working world. I understand in the need to survive in the working world but man, I didn’t realise humans can be that cunning and cruel. As I dig deep into my working world and focusing my energy on it, I start to have depression.

Why depression? My rental property is not that conducive for me to be in where there is less connection to other people and the world. It was so solemn and it didn’t feel like home. That’s one. So I try to find a new room to rent and I found one and met my dearest housemate, Kak M. She is one and only housemate in this life. Haha. And one of the main life events is where I sat down with my mother and we had a talk and finally she give it a go for me to drop my masters. So, this year is where my journey for my masters to end. 

So, there were many transitions that is happening in my life and now looking back at it, I realise I was too egoistic and too perfectionist and wanting my life to be perfect. I didn’t realise that life is always an erratic journey but I always had the thinking that my life is meant to be linear. This is the year where everything that I know is erratic begins as I was exploring and going on ups and downs in my life based on my choices. Note that I did not regret my choices, not one. I was regretting one or two choices of my life but I start to reflect myself while writing this to know that all of this is a memory that I will remember and learn from. 

I didn’t know I was starting to have my depression from this year due to the inability for me to cope both of my masters and work where in the end I have to let my Masters go. This point of life is where I still blame my mother for everything I go through which I should have not. I realise this is the avoidant and anxious side of me to make sure everything is perfect. Why do I want it to be perfect? So finally my family will see me. I realise that I was being neglected by people as I grow up due to my family issues. I was filling the gaps that is empty in the heart where I want people to see me, to celebrate me and to be able to listen and acknowledge my existence. 

It hurts to know that as I learn about life, I am still finding the space for me to call home and I still on surviving mode. Looking back in this year, this is where it all began, where I was lost on what I want to do next.

More to come, 2017 is next.

11 Years of Learning Life - Year 2

As we moved on to the next year, it’s the beginning where I am starting to be clueless on what I want to do and achieve. Throughout my life since teenager, when I was in secondary school, the path of life has been so clear, study hard, get good grades, get into good university and graduate so you could get good work.

But then what’s next? This has been the starting year where this question has been plagued into my mind until now. 

2015 

At this year, there were multiple live events that has been going on in my life and I realised that I been going through it through instinct that comes directly from my heart. On February, I started my masters programme at University of Malaya for Master of Science Education - mixed mode. I was unemployed, broke and no scholarship at that time. My brother, bless him, he was quite helpful and not that stingy during that time, he sponsored the first semester bill for my programme and i used my life savings for my rent. I took a part time job at a grocery near the 12th RC in order to be able to survive the first four months. It was good, I got good grades, I met new friends and I learn to be more independent as the time goes by when I study for my masters. 

Then the first conflict comes by, I literally have no money to sustain myself for the next semester. Life savings were gone, brother sponsorship is finished and my salary couldn’t support as the new boss is taking in more employee and I start to have less time to be at my current job. So i start to panic and at that time it was a semester break. I was going on interviews for research assistant and also some interviews for private school and international school teacher. At that time, one ad came across and I felt like this is it. If I got this job, I know my problems are sorted. I remembered I prayed, I overthink even my mom was annoyed at that time (I love you mom) and I got in for an interview. I was surprised, a graduate like me who has no experience was being called to one of established private education company. They were no 1 private universities group in Malaysia, the Taylor’s group. Imagine my surprise. 

I went there, I tried my best and I got it. Alhamdulillah I got it and I was very grateful at that time when it happened. So, I start my first job. HR told me, there will be no pay for the first month and i have to make do with what I got. imagine the horror. In the span of 2 weeks I think at that time, I had to find a new place to live, new clothes to wear for work and I remember that time, my cousin wedding is going on. 

This picture is with my best friend when I buy a last minute clothes for work and all the excitement went through the roof!

Looking back I this year, I had such a good year of growth, learning to meet with new people, my boss is good and really helped me and guide, I am blessed to get colleagues who are experienced and guide me and support me throughout the whole time I was on my first few months. I think I remember I did so good that I got my bonus. I would really be thankful to my mom at this time. She loaned me her money for me to be able to survive on the first month I was in Taylor’s and of course, I paid her back. 

On to the next year, my year for the 2016 is where things starts to be good and I learn about love. 

Up to next post for 2016!

11 Years of Learning Life - Year 1

I was surprised to know that all my blog post from the past still exists after more than 10 years of venturing into the other parts of life and also realising how i grown from a mere naive girl who learn to know people after venturing out of the university life and then into someone who just got out of a traumatic experience in total. 

So, in summary, let us go through on what really happened in the past 11 years.

2014

I graduated with honours for my bachelor in the top university in Malaysia as you known from my previous post. I went through a break and on July 2014, I still remember I was like erratic on not knowing what to do in the free time that I had after graduating and bless my mom, she got me a job as a substitute teacher in one of the schools in the district and that is my first working job as a substitute teacher. I was blessed at that moment to be able to had the experience of teaching while waiting the time to be called for an interview. And then around end of the year, we all got into the SPP interview and I didn’t make it. I would say that was the first setback that I had received in my life. I never expected the journey that I went through to make into the working world is quite hard. So, in order to soothe a healing heart, I applied for a Master programme in the same university. 

After looking back into the years that I been through, I would say 2014 has been nice where my mother has been a good pillar on my career and where I go through in my life for that moment. But the immature and egoistic me on that time felt differently. The relationship I had with my siblings were good but I am still like was not able to be close and open up to them due to my experience in my time at the secondary school. I always felt like my mother and I were a unit and it’s just me and her against the world or it’s just me against the world. At that time as well, I know if I just put an effort and build everything myself, I would suceed.

Oh boy, was I wrong in so many things.

2015 is in the next one. :)

I fell in love... literally...

Assalamualaikum,

I fell in love... I did... since it's quite hard for me to write here from the phone... I'm just goanna said it... I fell ultimately and indefinitely with TEACHING.... I got you there right... I fell head over heels with my new passion in teaching.... It is breathtaking and one of the best feelings in the world... I will tell you the first feelings soon enough...  It all started during my pratical teaching at subang.... It was my first teaching experience and that is where i felt  love with it.... Being with the future generations and help them in their future and life... being friends and stay connected .. the bond and what we teach is being learned and implemented... when your students said... thank you teacher... you are the best teacher ever... i wish you would not leave this school... here is a gift from us with all our hearts... we love what you did on this topic.   We love science when you teach... hearing those words make you feel like you did something good and great for these people... i hope that i can be a real teacher soon and teach my students... so that i can make a good difference in their lives... i love being a Teacher... Teacher rocks!! Until then...

Part-time author in Wattpad.... =D =D

Assalamualaikum....

Its nice to finally to blog again... Its been busy... I even can't remember when I last post up my status... or blog post... Do sorry as I will update some shortly... Its been crazy and many stops in my journey... Since I have many times and I am technically doing nothing right now... So I've started something... Let's say... A story.... I will post up a link from my story and let me know what you guys think... Hope it's a good comment since I'm just a newbie.. hehe....

Emily's One Shot

DILEMMA

Assalamualaikum and hi there again...

I am not quite sure when is the last time I publish my post here in this blog but I am sure it is years ago.. Not many things that I want to say but right now I am on my last year in University of Malaya as an undergraduate student... On this incoming Monday, I will be on my practical in a secondary school at Subang, Selangor. Got a mixed feelings about it... Scared, excited, indifferent, fun, terrified, nervous, blank and etc.. hahaha... but I will know the feeling will come when the time is come. So, while writing this post, my feeling is calm.. Considering that I am going to end my degree studies soon and will be on convocation at October 2014, if it in God's will, I will have another decision to make on my next path in my life...

A little throwback over here about my decision making.. first is after my secondary school.. i have to choose between UIA english foundation and matrics with life science... which both choice is hard to make and my heart is slightly on the UIA but I choose matrics cause at that time i was following my parents a.k.a me mum where she thought that better to take in science and if you got english course at UM then you can take the course there... I also got an offer on primary school teacher in english.. I have to decline due to my inability to cope and teach and have enough patience to interact with primary school students at that time... So, after one year in matriculation, there is another decision that I have to make which is the hardest choice so far...

One is a medical doctor course in an unknown university which to say not quite famous and I dont want to wrote the university name here while a science education course at UM... Both have good pros and cons and for me are quite balanced.. one side you got a medical course which is good and high in terms of social standings in the Malaysian world.. What do you have to say~ when you talk to all aunties and uncles and you say you are taking medicine, they would totally say "Wow!!! Doctor~ Good good.. Nanti gaji banyak bagus eyh dapat jadi doktor nanti" That is typical and normal in certain society which I will not tell in here. but the bad side is that is is not from a known university or which the university is new and unreliable in local view but still the course is in MQA qualifications which is enough to get a JOB here...

On one side is that a science teacher which in specific biology teacher or chemistry teacher in the no.1 university in Malaysia which is University of Malaya which I have chosen. The good side is that you will be learning inside no.1 university in Malaysia and around 100++th university in the world. The downside is that when talking to the aunties again the dialogue is like this..

Auntie : Ika, belajar dekat mana sekarang?
Me : Dekat UM auntie
Auntie :  Really?! Good good.. Ambil course apa ika?
Me :  Cikgu..
Auntie :  oooooo *krik krik situation*

Well, is it really that low when studying to become a teacher.. It is true that I pretty much regretted everyday when I had a hard time in UM of not choosing doctor but still i carry on and reach the final semester which is the practical.. Moral of the story here DO NOT JUDGE PEOPLE BY THEIR OCCUPATION!!!!

After reaching the final semester, I have realize that Alhamdulillah that I pick this course instead of other course which could be much worse than I am facing in UM. I learn to love to be a teacher and I learn to love to teach and giving information to my future students. I am excited to be a teacher. Even though I do not have much experience, I know by teaching, it will teach me how to be mature and not a child any longer. I am anticipating for my years to come as a teacher...

The current dilemma now is that continue to WORK or continue to STUDY? Ahah... Still, thinking and thinking.. Like my mother said just now and sometimes I quote me self

"When the time comes you will now the answer, just go with the flow"

Yeah... I just wait for the time for it to come.. =)

Mid sem break~~~

Hey there and assalamualaikum....

Today marks the start of the new mid semester break after 7 weeks inside the education faculty.... wahhhhh... I got a lot i mean ALOOOOOTTTTT of assignments..... Staying at my family restaurant doing assignments.... oh yeahhh... i forgot to tell you that my family is doing a restaurant business... will promote it soon enough... got the best chicken chop!!!! Welll........ just got tired... tht is all.. will talk again soon... bubye~

Discuss. Don't judge. Have a HEART!

Hey.. Sorry for the late update here... New semester has begun... My last pointer... Teteretet..... 3.35.. So cGPA increasing and it is 3.11...... Ok la ok la.. Got many As last sem.. But tht one C just blow it away... Maybe i am being toooo overconfident.. Tht is why... Ok... New topic.. So the new sem is coming and we r going to the EDU faculty!!!!! Learning the ways to becoming a teacher and learn a lot of thing in which science cannot teach.... About the HEART... Not like literal heart but the feelings inside ourselves which we call our inner hearts... Discuss. Dont judge. Have a heart. My lecturer said that when he teaches education psychology... That quote just now is what a Harvard University Professor always said... For me.. Tht quote is to discuss our point of view because each human has different views and diffrent thinking.... And dont judge other people view as all views in thinking has the pros and cons and lastly have a heart which have a heart in accepting the good ones in each view or suggestion suggested by students or teachers...  Tht is true and a good quote... Have a good heart ladies and gentlemen who are reading this cuz from the good heart u can have a good mind and ur life will be calm and at peace as Allah always protects the good guys who obeys His orders..... I heard one quote from one anime that I like to watch.... Eyeshield 21... I am sure u heard about Hiruma Youichi.. The captain of Deimon Devil Bats who is the ,ost cunning master of manipulation and lies but believes in his friends and team for victory... One quote that make me inspire about him is "Atsui no kokoro... Atama ga yorui" means "a fiery heart.... A cool mind".... This shows that in order to achieve something.... Have a fiery or a hot passion inside our heart but make sure to keep your head cool always so that u can think logically and brilliantly... I think all leadears should have kind of hiruma's quote as that quote can lead you to become a good leader and a teacher....

"Atsui no kokoro... Atama ga yorui "

If im not mistaken cuz my japanese are not tht good....

Ok.. I let u guys think bout it and tell me whatcha think bout it.. Hahahaha...

Till then.. See you guys again soon...

Back in UM

It has been long... I know i know tht i promise before tht i would always update the blog but i am a bit busy... Huahahaha... Actually its lazy not busy.. Just trying to find excuses.. Haha. Now i am back at UM.. Continuing my third year.. Haishhh... Feel old already.. Hehe.. Still at 12th residential college.. And now it is only my first week in UM.. So, not a lot of work yet.. I got a full 6 lab this sem... Seriously going to be tired like hell.. But, i will endure it.. My cGPA is increasing.. Alhamdulillah.. :-) :-) and i got new gadget for this raya.. Will explain in the next post.. And soon, i will tell you about my raya this year.. :-) :-).. Finally i have been to seoul garden.. Hehe.. Going to tell u the trip about it soon.. And about my mew roomate.. I knew she has been following my blog.. She is the reason i will update my post.. Hope to see you again.. Toodles.. :-) :-)

Reunion with my besties from KMPk..

After two year of my matrics just ended, i got to see my friends again... but only 5 who came... From the right, Ariff, Khalis, Dya, Me and Hanim.. Afiq is the one who is taking the pics.. =) I had a really great time with them.. A lot of story has been told.. Hopefully I got to meet them again soon.. Miss them already.. They say they got another reunion ready.. hopefully will meet them again.. weeee... next time a movie pulak... how about tht, ey?

FATE? or JODOH? LOVE? OH NO~

salam and hey....

today i'm talking something that still a sensitive issue about me... JODOH~ I'm kind of a little bit jealous with some of my friends and junior who kinda already get a BF or GF... I am really happy for them.. but i kinda thinking.. when can i found my soul mate....

Sometimes, u feel want to get married, have a family life.. having kids... spending the rest of your life with someone that u love with all of your heart.. someone that is not a family and other than Allah and Rasululllah... Someone that you can express everything to him.. that can be for you when in sickness and health.. Someone that can accept you the way you are... But, that is a dream.. I think still unseen and unthinkable.. It is hard..

Sometime, when thinking about it, my self esteem just went down the hilll.... I mean it really low... through the canyon also... But, I think i got to accept that i never found my JODOH yet.. or in other words... my SOUL MATE... I think i have accepted it... This crazy mind of mine makes me think that topic back again and again...

I am a sensitive person... That is one of my weaknesses that I am not proud of and trying to overcome it.. huhu... But, everytime i go back home..  there is that one aunty... always talking to me that how her daughter and son are beautiful and great... got a lot of hand in marriage... I am happy for her sons and daughters... I not really into it.. BUT.... if she talked about the same thing over and over again to my only face... Don't you think that is a little bit weird??

Well, come to think of it...  When i think about this issue... I always taught that Allah knew what is best for me... He loves me and I love Him with the bottom of my heart.. He knew it is still not the right time for me to meet the 'guy' yet... and I know I am not ready for the responsibility for having a family yet... Hehe...

So, to all ladies out there... If you think just like me, feeling down cause not finding a guy yet.. Dun think about it.. That means Allah just save a guy that is the most perfect for you.... I guarantee it... If you feel uncertain about the guy you were dating with... Go to Allah.. He always knew what is best for you... Remember Him and if you try hard enough to find the answer... He will always give answer for you... =)

JAPAN!!!

hahaha.... my brother promised me that i can get a holiday to japan if i got 3.0 above for my cGPA... and i did it finally... after all the blood, tears and sweat for 2 years non stop fightitng... wow.. it is really hard you know... learning at UM.... really hard... i feel like half died and then i got 3.34.... if i almost2 died maybe i get a dean.. but that is my target for next sem... a dean... i wanted it so bad.. and i aso want to get 1st class honours which is hard.. but i will try... thinking of continuing to master level.. hehehe... but cannot wait for the JAPAN.... hehehe...

i won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

from the lyrics of Jason Mraz- I won't give up...

When i see this lyric, i didn't think you in that lyric is the one tht i love... but i think the you is the obstacle that i needed to overcome.. everytime i read this lyric.. one think i remember is my scroll.. my degree scroll.. i wud not give up on you my scroll.. hehe..

finding inspiration

Salam and hello,

When you being a writer, it is hard to find inspiration... Tht is the trouble i am having right now... to find inspiration to write... when i look at that document, i cannot type... one word did not came out of my head.. and i now officially didn't sleep the whole night thinking how to find inspiration... i already listen to the song the can inspire me.. but pufff.... one word is not out.. hmmmm.... It is hard when you are going to write a history novel.. I can sense that my aunt is not quite confident that I would do it because i'm just a 21 year old girl.. She still think i'm too young.. but what the heck... I can do it.. But still finding it... my inspiration.. I think if i didnt get that memoir... i cnnt write anything... =(( Please pray so that i can finish my book.. hehe =)

Malaysian esp Malays in this generation

Assalamualaikum and hello guys,

This post might tick off some people if there is a people reading my post.. I am now having a semester break and right now researching about a book that I am about to write.. hearing stories from the elders and my father about the old times... how the Malay at that generation cooperate and stick together or in BM they say 'bersatu' for the Independence. Even though they are a lot of political parties but they have one target or aim that is being free from the colonization.


In my opinion, Malay these days kind of really lacking that element.. I can see that the Malay are split apart... Yes, I feel really worried and sad at the same time when I saw the politicians were arguing a matter for me is a small matter and can discuss with each other in peace. 


For example, the PTPTN issue. In my opinion, PTPTN is important for us. I tell you, we needed it. I needed it because i myself is not qualify enough for a scholarship and my parents cannot afford my living cost so where to get the money? From the sky? da~... If let say there is a free education, who would be responsible for the living cost? the residential fees? the food? my clothes? who? my parents who dun have any money? A scholarship that i not qualify enough? If you want the government to take all the responsibility, then i am being pampered... Better i sit at home doing nothing and not being productive and just dun work cuz the government will take care of it... Hello!!!! If you think like that then this government will be gone in matter of hours... 


Some of the people were complaining to the government not doing this and that but you should be shame on yourself if u just complaining about what the government cannot do. Why did i say like that? It is because my dad always told me that 

"Never ask what the country do for you but ask yourself what can you do for your country"

This quote is for someone who asks and complains to the government. I tell you if the people in a country are falling apart then the country will fall apart as well. And I love Malaysia very much... I dun want  for it to be falling apart just because the people are not being together as one...

I am sorry if this post make someone angry.. This is just my opinion..

long time no write..

hey guys,

this has been a long long long time.. almost two years since i have been written at this blog.. many have change.. i am now at University of Malaya.. Going to my 3rd year as future biology teacher... yes, a teacher, not a doctor or a pharmacist like i told you before.. i know.. a lot have changed.. but seriously.. i love it.. even though got a lot of hurdles and a lot of tests... but i met most wonderful 59 course mates that has same major as me and also with different major as well.. and we have sweet times together.. and i found 2 my closest friends one is a Chinese and another is Indian.. i think i am going to continue soon.. u going to see a lot of post.. even though my blog look terrible.. but at least i can write what i have in mind... hopefully i won't get arrested if i write something because there are going to be some sensitive issue around.. he he

I have matured.... yes i do... i learn about myself the hard way... and it hurt sometimes when someone said the bad thing about you directly to your face.. but it is better than when someone look u like u did something major wrong and u didn't know what it is....

But all of it really teach me of who i am now and what i am going to become... ^^

PSPM 2...

Exams... huk3... i think that exams here dude hard man.... i can't even have the time to think... all the papers that i have done are seriously on time.... i dont have any time to check back my ans.... so i was freaking afraid if faill all the papers man... my dreams are all shattered... but then i juz have to tawakaltualallah... thats all i can do... but then i need ur help to pray for me in order for me to be suceed.... thanks....

last day at my lec hall...

the date 26th march 2010 is where the last day i will be sitting at that lecture hall 3.... that is our lec hall group h5 lecture is situated... firstly, it is a fun experience sitting at that lec hall and i miss all of them.... my tutor h5t29 is the best after all.... alhamdulillah during both sem i didn't get the tutor that is boring.... all are cheerful and at the same time serious at their study..... their all like me.... can be fun and serious at times.... how i'm going to miss that lh....

my infinity

i look through the window

i see a cloudy day

i know something is wrong

but i look away

as i went through

the path i taken

as i were lost

with the one i close the most

i hurts me the most

to be apart with them

why am i changing

the way i am before...

i losing it

im going to deep

in the dark

in the loneliness

im crawling to get out

im waiting for a hand

to take me out of the darkness

will i make it or

will i lose forever in that darkness

of loneliness......

PSPM result is out.....

the result is already out..... huhu..... my cGPA is hmmmmmm 3.67..... nt bad for me....... but for me to become a doctor that quite hard.... thinking bout microbiologist or genetics still not sure..... heheor biomeds...... hmmmmm gotta think fast coz gotta fill the UPU form this 10th december.....