11 Years of Learning Life - Year 3

 Now for 2016, it was a good year but I had my major setback, As for love, I missed the year it’s supposed to be on 2017. On 2016, I had a new colleague. Everyone always compares me to her, all the people at school said we are so alike. But one thing that is different between me and her is that, she is such an independent woman and also driven and straight minded. Straight minded in the sense where she is free, untethered and also have her own passion and she is not shy to show it off. I was so jealous of her. I didn’t know I was jealous of her up until today. 

I realise it while I was recalling that year. On 2016, this is where I start to have some setback for my masters. It’s thesis time as the classes portion are over during the 2015 and i struggle to find an idea for my thesis in my master. My supervisor and I have a differ in thinking on where do I want to go through in terms of my writing. As she read my drafts, I know it’s not up to her par on what she wants in academic writing. This is why I am reluctant to write my thesis and I dragged it all around for 5 to 6 months. 

Meanwhile, what I did is that I ran away and avoid to face my first failure in life. I was focusing all my energy to work. I was focusing solely on teaching, and doing events in my school, giving ideas and doing projects and doing my best in the projects which in the end made most of my colleagues in the department jealous of me. There was this one teacher Ms J. She is not fond that I received more recognition and has more shine than her while I was still new in the school. So, she isolate me in the department. I didn’t put it into mind because I also have my clique while I was in school and I feel okay and still surviving. 

This is where I start to learn about human nature. I learn it the hard way to know that my colleagues are not my real friends like how it is in the university. This year is the first year I start to learn about politics, drama, and also gossips and people betray and backstabs in the working world. I understand in the need to survive in the working world but man, I didn’t realise humans can be that cunning and cruel. As I dig deep into my working world and focusing my energy on it, I start to have depression.

Why depression? My rental property is not that conducive for me to be in where there is less connection to other people and the world. It was so solemn and it didn’t feel like home. That’s one. So I try to find a new room to rent and I found one and met my dearest housemate, Kak M. She is one and only housemate in this life. Haha. And one of the main life events is where I sat down with my mother and we had a talk and finally she give it a go for me to drop my masters. So, this year is where my journey for my masters to end. 

So, there were many transitions that is happening in my life and now looking back at it, I realise I was too egoistic and too perfectionist and wanting my life to be perfect. I didn’t realise that life is always an erratic journey but I always had the thinking that my life is meant to be linear. This is the year where everything that I know is erratic begins as I was exploring and going on ups and downs in my life based on my choices. Note that I did not regret my choices, not one. I was regretting one or two choices of my life but I start to reflect myself while writing this to know that all of this is a memory that I will remember and learn from. 

I didn’t know I was starting to have my depression from this year due to the inability for me to cope both of my masters and work where in the end I have to let my Masters go. This point of life is where I still blame my mother for everything I go through which I should have not. I realise this is the avoidant and anxious side of me to make sure everything is perfect. Why do I want it to be perfect? So finally my family will see me. I realise that I was being neglected by people as I grow up due to my family issues. I was filling the gaps that is empty in the heart where I want people to see me, to celebrate me and to be able to listen and acknowledge my existence. 

It hurts to know that as I learn about life, I am still finding the space for me to call home and I still on surviving mode. Looking back in this year, this is where it all began, where I was lost on what I want to do next.

More to come, 2017 is next.

11 Years of Learning Life - Year 2

As we moved on to the next year, it’s the beginning where I am starting to be clueless on what I want to do and achieve. Throughout my life since teenager, when I was in secondary school, the path of life has been so clear, study hard, get good grades, get into good university and graduate so you could get good work.

But then what’s next? This has been the starting year where this question has been plagued into my mind until now. 

2015 

At this year, there were multiple live events that has been going on in my life and I realised that I been going through it through instinct that comes directly from my heart. On February, I started my masters programme at University of Malaya for Master of Science Education - mixed mode. I was unemployed, broke and no scholarship at that time. My brother, bless him, he was quite helpful and not that stingy during that time, he sponsored the first semester bill for my programme and i used my life savings for my rent. I took a part time job at a grocery near the 12th RC in order to be able to survive the first four months. It was good, I got good grades, I met new friends and I learn to be more independent as the time goes by when I study for my masters. 

Then the first conflict comes by, I literally have no money to sustain myself for the next semester. Life savings were gone, brother sponsorship is finished and my salary couldn’t support as the new boss is taking in more employee and I start to have less time to be at my current job. So i start to panic and at that time it was a semester break. I was going on interviews for research assistant and also some interviews for private school and international school teacher. At that time, one ad came across and I felt like this is it. If I got this job, I know my problems are sorted. I remembered I prayed, I overthink even my mom was annoyed at that time (I love you mom) and I got in for an interview. I was surprised, a graduate like me who has no experience was being called to one of established private education company. They were no 1 private universities group in Malaysia, the Taylor’s group. Imagine my surprise. 

I went there, I tried my best and I got it. Alhamdulillah I got it and I was very grateful at that time when it happened. So, I start my first job. HR told me, there will be no pay for the first month and i have to make do with what I got. imagine the horror. In the span of 2 weeks I think at that time, I had to find a new place to live, new clothes to wear for work and I remember that time, my cousin wedding is going on. 

This picture is with my best friend when I buy a last minute clothes for work and all the excitement went through the roof!

Looking back I this year, I had such a good year of growth, learning to meet with new people, my boss is good and really helped me and guide, I am blessed to get colleagues who are experienced and guide me and support me throughout the whole time I was on my first few months. I think I remember I did so good that I got my bonus. I would really be thankful to my mom at this time. She loaned me her money for me to be able to survive on the first month I was in Taylor’s and of course, I paid her back. 

On to the next year, my year for the 2016 is where things starts to be good and I learn about love. 

Up to next post for 2016!

11 Years of Learning Life - Year 1

I was surprised to know that all my blog post from the past still exists after more than 10 years of venturing into the other parts of life and also realising how i grown from a mere naive girl who learn to know people after venturing out of the university life and then into someone who just got out of a traumatic experience in total. 

So, in summary, let us go through on what really happened in the past 11 years.

2014

I graduated with honours for my bachelor in the top university in Malaysia as you known from my previous post. I went through a break and on July 2014, I still remember I was like erratic on not knowing what to do in the free time that I had after graduating and bless my mom, she got me a job as a substitute teacher in one of the schools in the district and that is my first working job as a substitute teacher. I was blessed at that moment to be able to had the experience of teaching while waiting the time to be called for an interview. And then around end of the year, we all got into the SPP interview and I didn’t make it. I would say that was the first setback that I had received in my life. I never expected the journey that I went through to make into the working world is quite hard. So, in order to soothe a healing heart, I applied for a Master programme in the same university. 

After looking back into the years that I been through, I would say 2014 has been nice where my mother has been a good pillar on my career and where I go through in my life for that moment. But the immature and egoistic me on that time felt differently. The relationship I had with my siblings were good but I am still like was not able to be close and open up to them due to my experience in my time at the secondary school. I always felt like my mother and I were a unit and it’s just me and her against the world or it’s just me against the world. At that time as well, I know if I just put an effort and build everything myself, I would suceed.

Oh boy, was I wrong in so many things.

2015 is in the next one. :)