Now for 2016, it was a good year but I had my major setback, As for love, I missed the year it’s supposed to be on 2017. On 2016, I had a new colleague. Everyone always compares me to her, all the people at school said we are so alike. But one thing that is different between me and her is that, she is such an independent woman and also driven and straight minded. Straight minded in the sense where she is free, untethered and also have her own passion and she is not shy to show it off. I was so jealous of her. I didn’t know I was jealous of her up until today.
I realise it while I was recalling that year. On 2016, this is where I start to have some setback for my masters. It’s thesis time as the classes portion are over during the 2015 and i struggle to find an idea for my thesis in my master. My supervisor and I have a differ in thinking on where do I want to go through in terms of my writing. As she read my drafts, I know it’s not up to her par on what she wants in academic writing. This is why I am reluctant to write my thesis and I dragged it all around for 5 to 6 months.
Meanwhile, what I did is that I ran away and avoid to face my first failure in life. I was focusing all my energy to work. I was focusing solely on teaching, and doing events in my school, giving ideas and doing projects and doing my best in the projects which in the end made most of my colleagues in the department jealous of me. There was this one teacher Ms J. She is not fond that I received more recognition and has more shine than her while I was still new in the school. So, she isolate me in the department. I didn’t put it into mind because I also have my clique while I was in school and I feel okay and still surviving.
This is where I start to learn about human nature. I learn it the hard way to know that my colleagues are not my real friends like how it is in the university. This year is the first year I start to learn about politics, drama, and also gossips and people betray and backstabs in the working world. I understand in the need to survive in the working world but man, I didn’t realise humans can be that cunning and cruel. As I dig deep into my working world and focusing my energy on it, I start to have depression.
Why depression? My rental property is not that conducive for me to be in where there is less connection to other people and the world. It was so solemn and it didn’t feel like home. That’s one. So I try to find a new room to rent and I found one and met my dearest housemate, Kak M. She is one and only housemate in this life. Haha. And one of the main life events is where I sat down with my mother and we had a talk and finally she give it a go for me to drop my masters. So, this year is where my journey for my masters to end.
So, there were many transitions that is happening in my life and now looking back at it, I realise I was too egoistic and too perfectionist and wanting my life to be perfect. I didn’t realise that life is always an erratic journey but I always had the thinking that my life is meant to be linear. This is the year where everything that I know is erratic begins as I was exploring and going on ups and downs in my life based on my choices. Note that I did not regret my choices, not one. I was regretting one or two choices of my life but I start to reflect myself while writing this to know that all of this is a memory that I will remember and learn from.
I didn’t know I was starting to have my depression from this year due to the inability for me to cope both of my masters and work where in the end I have to let my Masters go. This point of life is where I still blame my mother for everything I go through which I should have not. I realise this is the avoidant and anxious side of me to make sure everything is perfect. Why do I want it to be perfect? So finally my family will see me. I realise that I was being neglected by people as I grow up due to my family issues. I was filling the gaps that is empty in the heart where I want people to see me, to celebrate me and to be able to listen and acknowledge my existence.
It hurts to know that as I learn about life, I am still finding the space for me to call home and I still on surviving mode. Looking back in this year, this is where it all began, where I was lost on what I want to do next.
More to come, 2017 is next.
No comments:
Post a Comment